A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
