Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm sobbing to NWA
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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