youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
