i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
