he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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