I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize