her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
