we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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