Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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