God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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