I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
