Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you traded sex for a burrito?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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