Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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