Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
