so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
