You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
