Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
