Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
