My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
