I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
