Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
