last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
