My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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