I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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