Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize