Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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