i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
