I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
