He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
