I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
