she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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