You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
this boner is exhausting
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
