I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
