what day is it and did you see me today?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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