U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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