My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
