Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
