I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the liver wants what the liver wants
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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