I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
