she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
