Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
