I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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