420 ftw
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize