So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
