I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
