Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
