No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
