im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
