Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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