He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
