Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
