ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
