She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
