your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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