He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
