She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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