This is not my ceiling
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
