My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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