I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
