you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
