OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize