I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
