Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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