I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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