Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
