Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
