Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
