Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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